The Worst Hangover Ever
by Xysnei
Summary: After a night of heavy drinking, Shepard wakes up to find her squad sleeping in her room. Naked. What happened? Thane knows. Crackfic, done on request. Reviews are very much appreciated.


**A/N: This crackfic is bound to make you facepalm at least ONCE. As with all my other fics, this one isn't serious. It got requested by someone who prefers to stay anonymous. Might contain OOC-ness, but that doesn't really matter when the fic's plot itself is complete crack to begin with.**

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As Shepard regained consciousness, she began to doubt her previous decision of taking the entire squad out to the Dark Star Lounge for "just a few drinks". Her head hurt like hell, the smell of alcohol would take hours to wash off, and her stomach kindly reminded her that if she didn't find a bathroom any time soon, it would empty its contents right on her clean bedsheets. And EDI did not appreciate it when people vomited on their clean bedsheets.

"Damn it, I think I'm going to be sick," she told no one in particular, peering through the large skylight right above her bed. She had no recollection of the previous night's events. Whatever it was, it probably wasn't worth knowing. After all, all of the other nights she had spent getting drunk had ended with her simply getting back on the Normandy and going to bed. Sometimes while still wearing her armor, sometimes wearing absolutely nothing at all, but she got there. Wobbling on her feet, yes, but still.

She tried to sit upright, but the pain in her head and back made her fall back. Her vision got blurry once more, but the throbbing in her head remained, painfully reminding her that that bottle of uncut batarian ale she'd drank all by herself had been one bottle too many.

"You okay, Shepard?"

She forced her eyes open and tried to smile at whoever had been so damn unlucky to see her like this. As she was now, she could barely make out the silhouette that laid right next to her. Judging by its general shape and the evident flanging in its owner's voice, it had to be Garrus. Or another turian. Hell, it could even be the turian Councilor.

"No, I'm not okay," she finally managed to say. Even though she was far from drunk now, her speech still sounded slurred and incomprehensible. "I…I feel like someone tried to split my head open with a dull rock."

"I know how you feel," the silhouette yawned. "Figure we all had a bit too much."

"Garrus, is that you?" Shepard squinted her eyes, and her vision became clearer. The shapes around her took on solid forms, and she could at last recognize the familliar blue light that always emanated from Garrus' visor.

He let out a heavy sigh. "Yeah, it's me."

"What are you doing in my room?" she groaned, staring blankly at him through half-lidded eyes. "If you want to relive those two hours before we passed through the Omega 4 relay to kick Collector ass, I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you, Garrus. I'm having the worst hangover of my life right now."

Garrus didn't seem disappointed at all; in fact, he seemed more confused than anything. "I don't know what I'm doing here," he muttered, pulling the sheets up even higher. "One moment I'm in the Dark Star Lounge with you and the rest, drinking, laughing…and all of a sudden I'm here, lying right next to you with a horrible headache."

"Yeah, same with me." Shepard summoned all of her strength to step out of bed and wobble towards her closet. With some difficulty, she managed to slip into the first thing she could find that actually resembled clothing, which just so happened to be one of Kelly's old stripper outfits Shepard had borrowed once. She didn't know why she had decided that she wanted to borrow it, but it had seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe she had been drunk back then, too.

As she put on the outfit, Shepard noticed that her hand was covered in a strange, sticky, green substance. She slowly walked towards the bathroom, eyes straight ahead, took a bit of toilet paper and wiped the icky green stuff off her hand. After throwing some water in her face and checking to see if the toilet functioned properly (it always malfunctioned for some reason), she returned to her cabin.

She had just started her daring journey back to the bed when she tripped over something -- or someone, in this case. She had already been quite puzzled when she had found Garrus in her bed, but when she saw a naked Mordin lying on the floor, snoring loudly as if nothing particularly interesting was happening around him, she almost passed out from sheer shock.

"Mmm…Aria…don't have sex drive…willing to try you, though…for science."

Shepard couldn't believe her own eyes. She had never seen Mordin sleep before, let alone talk while he was doing so. Wait, what was she thinking? This was Mordin. Naked. In her cabin. Having weird fantasies about Aria. On her floor.

After a few minutes of gawping at the naked salarian, she finally ran her gaze over the rest of the room, and discovered that Mordin and Garrus weren't the only ones who had chosen to crash at her place for the night.

Grunt laid face-down on the couch, his shiny showroom-new armor on the floor. The space hamster's cage stood next to him, conspicuously empty. Miranda and Jack had passed out underneath the bed together, Jacob not too far away from them. A sleeping Thane sat in the corner of the room, next to Shepard's bed, leaning against the wall behind him. Kasumi and Zaeed were close to the cabin's entrance. Tali had collapsed on Shepard's desk, and was obviously the only one still wearing her clothes. On the bed, Garrus had dozed off again. Samara wasn't present, but that was because she had already left the Normandy a few days ago to continue her career as a justicar. Shepard was quite glad that the asari wasn't there to see this. The Justicar Code had to have a rule against this kind of stuff.

When she finally regained her composure, Shepard could only mumble a slow "oh my God", which seemed to awaken Thane.

She tried her best to smile down at him, despite all the horrible things she had just seen. "Morning, Thane."

"Good morning, siha," Thane greeted her, seemingly ignoring his own nakedness. "You look as beautiful as ever. Your attire looks absolutely stunning."

"Save the compliments, Thane," she grumbled. "I'm not in the mood today."

"What troubles you?"

"First of all, I've got the nastiest headache ever. Ten times worse than any biotic migraine I've ever had. Secondly, I can't remember what exactly happened last night. I know we all went to Dark Star and got wasted, but that's it. And finally, everyone is in here and everyone is naked. Including you." She folded her arms and frowned. "Trust me, naked Grunt is not something you want to wake up to."

Thane said nothing, but gave a curt nod whenever she opened her mouth. "I remember everything," he finally said once she had stopped talking. "Will you listen to me, siha?"

"Of course," she replied. "Just wait a minute." She walked over to Mordin and gave him a soft nudge with her left foot, which woke him up almost immediately.

"Shepard. What would you like to discuss?" Even though he just woke up, he didn't even seem tired. Oh well, salarian metabolism was weird. He was oblivious to his own nudity as well. He also didn't seem to care about Shepard's stripper outfit.

Shepard waved the bit of toilet paper with the icky green stuff on it in front of his face. "I need you to identify this, Mordin," she told him. "I'd like to know what it is."

Mordin ran his eyes over the toilet paper a few times, studying it as if it held the meaning of life, the secrets of a long forgotten civilization, or information on who had brought scale-itch onto the Normandy (The culprit hadn't been found yet, but Kelly still remained one of the prime suspects).

His final verdict, however, was less informative than Shepard had hoped. "No-no-no-no-no-no. Can't be. Impossible."

"What's impossible?" she asked, tapping her feet on the floor, impatiently awaiting the salarian's answer.

"Can only be one thing. Implications…unpleasant." He took a deep breath, and shook his head vigorously a few times before opening his mouth again. "Salarian ejaculate."

Shepard's breath caught in her throat as she felt the last bit of her sanity slip away into nothingness. This was all a joke. It had to be. Salarians didn't have a sex drive the way humans did. The green stuff she had found couldn't possibly be Mordin's--

"Copious amounts of alcohol may have gotten in way of better judgement. No other explanation." Mordin scrambled to his feet, obviously disturbed by his little discovery. "Where did you find it?"

Shepard bowed her head in both shame and disgust. "It was all over me."

The salarian cupped his chin in his hand. "Strange."

"You call this strange? I call this the most fucked up thing that's ever happened to me." Shepard didn't like using the F-word, but currently she saw no other way to express her feelings about this situation. She turned back to Thane.

"Thane, tell me what happened right before we left the Dark Star Lounge. I have to know."

The drell's eyes shot open, and he slipped into the trance Shepard had gotten used to over the past few months. The flashbacks were still creepy as hell, but at least she knew when to expect them now.

"_She leans over the bar, beads of sweat glistening on her forehead. She smiles. "Hey!" she calls the turian bartender. Sweet scent of expensive wine drifts through the cold air. He laughs. "Want me to fill your glass again, doll?" She leans in closer. Full lips quiver with excitement. "No," she says. "I want you to fill __**me**__.""_

Shepard gasped and covered her face with her hands once again. "I…I hit on the bartender?"

"Siha, I am terribly sorry."

"Never mind. Just tell me what happened here."

"Could you be more specific?"

"Okay…tell me what happened between Jacob, Jack and Miranda."

"_Jack pushes Miranda down on the bed. "I've got you now, cheerleader," she whispers. Licks her lips. Predatorily gazes upon the Cerberus operative writhing beneath her. She groans. "Damn it, I wish I'd brought my strap-on." Jacob puts on a captain's hat. Stares at the pair in front of him. Smiles. "Sneaking into the Cerberus operative's hind quarters. Heavy risk, but the prize...""_

Shepard found herself getting closer and closer to vomiting right then and there, but her natural curiosity managed to beat her nausea.

"And what happened between me and Mordin?"

"_She pulls him in for a rough kiss. "I want you, Mordin," she gasps. "I've always wanted you." He tries to protest. "Salarians have very little sex drive. Also...uncertain of how it would work. Very few positions enjoyable for both salarians and humans. If done incorrectly, could tear cloaca. Wouldn't want that. Very painful. Amplexus is an option. Mating position similar to that of frogs on Earth. But--" A touch of her dexterous hands silence him. He moans. "Don't worry, Mordin," she breathes. "I've got it under control.""_

"Strange," Mordin said again. "Stayed professional even while intoxicated. Impressive."

"I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to sleep again, but…tell me what happened to Garrus."

"_He sinks his sharp teeth into the Blue Suns emblem tattooed on the other's neck. "You're a criminal, Zaeed," he groans, pounding into the human beneath him with reckless abandon. Blue eyes shine like brilliant stars. Breathing turns into panting. "You're just like the rest of those mercs I killed back on Omega. You deserve to be punished." He digs his talons deep into the other's skin, leaving a fresh wound. He doesn't stop."_

"I…" was all Shepard could get out of her throat. "This is…I don't even…"

The throbbing in her head returned, now worse than ever. She closed her eyes, sighed, and asked one, final, innocent question.

"Thane, what happened to my space hamster?"

"_Grunt wanders the room. Oblivious to all things around him. He sees the space hamster running quickly along the floor. He smiles. Scoops it up in one hand. "Ferocious creature!" he roars. "You will be my mate!" The hamster doesn't respond. Black, beady eyes betray its fear."_

After recounting this final memory, Thane hung his head in shame. Shepard was still curious.

"So what exactly happened to it?"

"It went to the sea," Thane said quietly, nodding grimly. "Krogan have quite destructive bowel movements. It did not suffer. Not for long, at least."

"Do you mean that Grunt tried to shove my hamster up his…oh no. Oh God, no."

"I tried to save it, siha. But I failed. I am terribly sorry."

"I don't even want to know what happened to the others."

"As I recall, it involved Legion's vibration function."

"DAMN IT, I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW!"

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When she walked up the galaxy map to check her private terminal for messages that evening, Shepard was greeted by Kelly, who was grinning like she always did. Had she not been so tired, Shepard would've punched her in the face just for being so damn happy all day long.

"Good evening, Commander. How was your day?"

"Oh, nothing really happened," Shepard sighed, stepping up to the galaxy map. "I woke up with Garrus."

"I'm sure you two had lots of things to discuss," Kelly chuckled, picking up a datapad and reading it absent-mindedly. "You don't see successful human/turian relationships every day, you know."

"And then I discovered that I slept with Mordin, that Jack, Miranda and Jacob had a threesome under my bed, _and_ that Garrus suddenly went gay for Zaeed for no apparent reason. Oh, and last but not least, Grunt shoved my space hamster up his **ass**. I can't even tell you without throwing up all over you and your console, Kelly. It's just _that_ horrible."

"I--Commander, what--what are you…"

"And it all happened in my cabin. So next time you're feeding the fish, could you please clean up the horrible mess we made as well?"

"Commander, I think--"

"Thanks, Kelly. I knew I could count on you."

Shepard set a course for the Citadel. She needed a new space hamster. And when she had it, she'd keep it as far away from Grunt's ass as she possibly could.

And she promised herself that she would never, EVER drink any alcoholic beverage EVER again.

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**A/N: I am so, so sorry for ruining your day.**


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